5 Things Wrong with the Chinese Food Song

, 3:05 pm PT by | No comments

If you've been keeping up to date with social media, you've probably already wasted 208 seconds of your life watching this video of a blonde girl named Alison Gold expressing her love for Chinese food with a song aptly titled "Chinese Food".

Written by Nigerian songwriter Patrice Wilson, who has been bringing bad viral music to our ears since 2011, "Chinese Food" promises to make you see Rebecca Black's "Friday" in a whole new light. Wilson was the same man behind "Friday", which would probably explain why the "Chinese Food" has garnered over 300,000 views and a 79% dislike rating at the time of writing.

With the hook of the song going, "I love fried rice, I love noodles, I love chow mein, chow m-m-m-m-mein," the song is an absolute ear-sore. And if anything's worse than the song, it's the video.

First thing that's wrong with "Chinese Food": Fortune Cookies. Technically, fortune cookies aren't Chinese food. They were invented in America to attract Americans to eat Chinese food. It would hence be factually wrong for fortune cookies to play such a heavy role in a video extolling the beauty of Chinese food.

Second thing that's wrong with "Chinese Food": Subtitles. I'd hate to burst your bubble, Patrice and Alison, but I speak Mandarin and Cantonese as a second language. While I must commend their feeble efforts to attract an international audience by adding subtitles in various languages, Google Translate isn't exactly your go-to person for professional translations. Just sayin'.

Third thing that's wrong with "Chinese Food": Chinese ≠ Japanese. The Kimono scene must have taken up a big portion of the seemingly-minuscule budget for the video. I'd hate to be the harbinger of bad news, but Kimonos are a traditional Japanese costume. And yes, there is a difference between Chinese and Japanese. In your next video (I hope there won't be one but in the event that you might want to terrorise us some more), you might want to consider a cheongsam.

Fourth thing that's wrong with "Chinese Food": Lyrics. And we all thought the lyrics for "Friday" were bad.

Fifth thing that's wrong with "Chinese Food": The song itself. Like Wilson's previous masterpiece, the entire song spans just a few notes. Alison Gold may be a good singer and all (though we'll never know) but this song was just badly written and composed. It sounds like a song written for a class of first-graders.

In all honesty, I actually think "Chinese Food" is pretty catchy — but that's just it. After "Friday" went viral two years ago, people have been on an internet-wide hunt for the next "Friday" and guess what? I think we've found it.

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